Voice Test: Canon mates and spoilers version

[finefuckery]

[ There is suddenly a knife at your throat, and a broad, firm body at your back. Whatever's back there reeks of sweat and blood and booze. The knife presses against the skin of your neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, not yet. ]


Hullo there. No screaming, if you please.

Comments

[eyediot]

[The Archivist only gives the most indignant of squawks before he shuts it up. NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.]

What, um. What can I help you with?

[finefuckery]

[ BRO ALSO SMELLS OF THE LONELY LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS ]

Where are we. How did I get here? Quickly now.

[eyediot]

[Gross. Take a shower, dude.]

Sometimes things get strange and it's not always entirely my fault, but as for how you got here, I'm not sure.

[finefuckery]

Not entirely you say?

[eyediot]

Sometimes it is, this time it isn't. Probably Helen's fault.

[SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.]

[finefuckery]

Oooh, Helen. Of course.

[ pokes the knife in just enough to draw a tiny bit of blood ]

And Helen would be?

[eyediot]

[Going so tense, a sharp inhale.]

The Spiral. Did you go through any strange doors that you don't remember being there before?

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

[he coughs, glad that whoever's behind him had the courtesy to wait till he'd already lit up before jabbing a pigsticker against his throat, because he'd hate to be dealing with this without that drag of rot and death rolling around behind his teeth.]

You sure, cock? Most men I know that fond of knives would love it to hear me screaming their name on the first date.

[finefuckery]

[ oh boy, a fellow nutcase! Well that's not a problem. He chuckles warmly. ]

It could be arranged, if you ask real nice.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

Much more fond of it when they don't ask - [a long beat] - real nice, now.

Sommat you needed my help with there, [he sniffs at the air, pointedly] --Mister Tall, Dark, and Truly Pissed?

[finefuckery]

Want to know where I am, mate, and how I got here, if you'd be so kind.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

[his face falls, almost comically fast, and his voice, sighing, follows suit.]

Ah. Funny, that. I was hoping that'd be your bag, not mine.

[finefuckery]

So you've no bloody idea. That's too bad.

[ shrugs and makes to slit his throat ]

[passiveaggression]

[ er. ]

Isn't this a tad dramatic? Also I'm not a screamer.

[finefuckery]

[ Ed stiffens to the point where he’s just about trembling with rage. The knife bites into Stede’s neck. ]

Fucking dramatic!? When I’m being fucking dramatic you will fucking know it, Stede fucking Bonnet!!

[passiveaggression]

[ okay. stede swallows tightly. he doesn't believe ed would hurt him, but he does see the anger. the guilt rises up in his throat, but stede leases it. now is not the time. ]

Ed.

[finefuckery]

No. No Ed here. Just Blackbeard.

[ Maybe he doesn’t have it in him to actually hurt Stede. Maybe he does. Maybe he’s hurt and twisted up and drunk enough. He’d like to think he is, anyway. ]

Any last words?

[passiveaggression]

[ here it goes then. he squeezes his eyes tightly. ]

I love you.

[finefuckery]

[ Oh. Oh Ed is shaking in earnest now. His voice sounds rough, tight. ]

Liar.

[curriculum_fictae]

-- What the fuck are you doing to Jon! Leave him alone!

[ Someone heard an Archivist yelling,

Of course that means he's probably now the one with a knife at his throat. ]

[finefuckery]

[ with a ferocious cry he wheels around, perhaps nicking his throat just a bit! And moves to solidly break Martins nose ]

[curriculum_fictae]

[ OW

The throat gets nicked, but Martin is MUCH more concerned with his nose suddenly being broken. ]

— oi, what the bloody hell - who the fuck are you!?

[finefuckery]

[ a hand clamps around his throat ]

I'm fucking Blackbeard, you dumb little piece of shit.

[curriculum_fictae]

[ Martin makes a choked noise, flailing to put a hand on Blackbeard’s arm. his hand is painfully cold, and a strange fog rolls out of him. ]

[finefuckery]

[ He hisses at that touch, and stares at the fog, but- ]

What manner of fuckery is this?