Voice Test: Canon mates and spoilers version

[finefuckery]

[ There is suddenly a knife at your throat, and a broad, firm body at your back. Whatever's back there reeks of sweat and blood and booze. The knife presses against the skin of your neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, not yet. ]


Hullo there. No screaming, if you please.

Comments

[eyediot]

[The Archivist only gives the most indignant of squawks before he shuts it up. NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.]

What, um. What can I help you with?

[finefuckery]

[ BRO ALSO SMELLS OF THE LONELY LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS ]

Where are we. How did I get here? Quickly now.

[eyediot]

[Gross. Take a shower, dude.]

Sometimes things get strange and it's not always entirely my fault, but as for how you got here, I'm not sure.

[finefuckery]

Not entirely you say?

[eyediot]

Sometimes it is, this time it isn't. Probably Helen's fault.

[SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.]

[finefuckery]

Oooh, Helen. Of course.

[ pokes the knife in just enough to draw a tiny bit of blood ]

And Helen would be?

[eyediot]

[Going so tense, a sharp inhale.]

The Spiral. Did you go through any strange doors that you don't remember being there before?

[finefuckery]

... maybe.

[eyediot]

That'd be her. It's what she does.

So could you maybe, possibly, take the knife from my throat because it wasn't entirely fun the first time it happened.

[finefuckery]

[ yeah OK takes away the knife ]

She a witch?

[eyediot]

[He's starting to get an idea of who this man is now oh boy.]

That's the easiest explanation, yes.

[finefuckery]

[ if you perceive me even a little I will stomp you to death with my hooves ]

Huh. Never met a witch.

[eyediot]

[Look life's already weird enough so this may as well happen, sure he'll explain that it's ok to like fancy silk and be butch at the same time IT'S OKAY. But he is breathing a sigh of relief and rubbing at where the knife got his neck a bit. Just above the scar Daisy left. Thanks.]

She isn't great. She seems like she is. She isn't.

[finefuckery]

Witches aren't particularly known for their hospitality, now are they?

[eyediot]

No.

So.

[Clears his throat finally turning to get a good look at oooh my. Oh dear.]

You.. Are. A pirate.

[finefuckery]

[ yes, even though he's not actively holding him at knife-point, he is still looming ]

Aye.

[eyediot]

[Well yar har fiddle dee dee.]

All right. Glad that's cleared up.

What, um. I don't know when Helen's door will come back so. In the meantime... wwhhhhhhat could I do for you.

[finefuckery]

All your valuables and nice bottle of brandy would be lovely, thank you.

[eyediot]

Well, you're in luck because I have neither.

[finefuckery]

Hmm. Too bad. Suppose it'll be spilling your gut, then.

[eyediot]

Um. While I'm sure that would be rousing fun, I don't think that will work so you really shouldn't bother trying because it would be quite a waste of effort on your part.

[finefuckery]

[ runs him through with sord ]

[eyediot]

[Don't mind the screaming, that's normal. What's probably not normal is the fact he doesn't immediately keel over? He just sort of crumples in on the blade looking down at it then up at him incredulously.]

Hey.

[finefuckery]

[ looks down, making sure he didn't miss the important bits. ]

Tough little fucker, eh?

[eyediot]

I did warn you it would be a waste of your effort.