Voice Test: Canon mates and spoilers version

[finefuckery]

[ There is suddenly a knife at your throat, and a broad, firm body at your back. Whatever's back there reeks of sweat and blood and booze. The knife presses against the skin of your neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, not yet. ]


Hullo there. No screaming, if you please.

Comments

[eyediot]

[The Archivist only gives the most indignant of squawks before he shuts it up. NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.]

What, um. What can I help you with?

[finefuckery]

[ BRO ALSO SMELLS OF THE LONELY LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS ]

Where are we. How did I get here? Quickly now.

[eyediot]

[Gross. Take a shower, dude.]

Sometimes things get strange and it's not always entirely my fault, but as for how you got here, I'm not sure.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

[he coughs, glad that whoever's behind him had the courtesy to wait till he'd already lit up before jabbing a pigsticker against his throat, because he'd hate to be dealing with this without that drag of rot and death rolling around behind his teeth.]

You sure, cock? Most men I know that fond of knives would love it to hear me screaming their name on the first date.

[finefuckery]

Not entirely you say?

[finefuckery]

[ oh boy, a fellow nutcase! Well that's not a problem. He chuckles warmly. ]

It could be arranged, if you ask real nice.

[eyediot]

Sometimes it is, this time it isn't. Probably Helen's fault.

[SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.]

[finefuckery]

Oooh, Helen. Of course.

[ pokes the knife in just enough to draw a tiny bit of blood ]

And Helen would be?

[eyediot]

[Going so tense, a sharp inhale.]

The Spiral. Did you go through any strange doors that you don't remember being there before?

[finefuckery]

... maybe.

[eyediot]

That'd be her. It's what she does.

So could you maybe, possibly, take the knife from my throat because it wasn't entirely fun the first time it happened.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

Much more fond of it when they don't ask - [a long beat] - real nice, now.

Sommat you needed my help with there, [he sniffs at the air, pointedly] --Mister Tall, Dark, and Truly Pissed?

[finefuckery]

[ yeah OK takes away the knife ]

She a witch?

[finefuckery]

Want to know where I am, mate, and how I got here, if you'd be so kind.

[eyediot]

[He's starting to get an idea of who this man is now oh boy.]

That's the easiest explanation, yes.

[finefuckery]

[ if you perceive me even a little I will stomp you to death with my hooves ]

Huh. Never met a witch.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

[his face falls, almost comically fast, and his voice, sighing, follows suit.]

Ah. Funny, that. I was hoping that'd be your bag, not mine.

[eyediot]

[Look life's already weird enough so this may as well happen, sure he'll explain that it's ok to like fancy silk and be butch at the same time IT'S OKAY. But he is breathing a sigh of relief and rubbing at where the knife got his neck a bit. Just above the scar Daisy left. Thanks.]

She isn't great. She seems like she is. She isn't.

[finefuckery]

So you've no bloody idea. That's too bad.

[ shrugs and makes to slit his throat ]

[finefuckery]

Witches aren't particularly known for their hospitality, now are they?

[eyediot]

No.

So.

[Clears his throat finally turning to get a good look at oooh my. Oh dear.]

You.. Are. A pirate.

[finefuckery]

[ yes, even though he's not actively holding him at knife-point, he is still looming ]

Aye.

[eyediot]

[Well yar har fiddle dee dee.]

All right. Glad that's cleared up.

What, um. I don't know when Helen's door will come back so. In the meantime... wwhhhhhhat could I do for you.

[finefuckery]

All your valuables and nice bottle of brandy would be lovely, thank you.

[yourbloodycoffinnail]

None more'n you - oh.

[there's the faint exhale of a giggle from the helltwink as the knife makes to cut - and one hand jerks up at an angle, straight in the air, his other straight to his side, as he yanks the garotte wires attached to the rings on his fingers taught around Teach's fingers and pulls that hand away from his neck.]

Oh. I do love a bloke with rough hands. Didn't even take off a pinky. Care to try again?